Bottom Line:
You know your child best. Trust yourself.
I don’t feel like there is a “good” time to tell a child this sort of news. but I also don’t think it has to be bad news. I do think there is a more gentle approach to telling them though if you can help it.
And I think that approach is by normalizing these sorts of circumstances. They are MUCH more common than you think they are. This is your child’s “normal” and THAT IS OK.
They need to know it’s not BAD or WEIRD or TRAGIC. And I think you can help them realize that just by the way you introduce the subject.
If your child is young:
I want to urge you to take your own emotions out of it. It doesn’t have to be a “sit down” talk. They’ll feel that it’s a big deal if we make it one. It’s only a big deal or a big secret because you feel like it is… OR because you are probably the one who got hurt, or hurt someone, in the process. They won’t understand any of that right now.
The reason you decided to make this choice for your child was because its what you thought was best for them, or for you both. It was not to hurt them. And they WILL grow to understand that.
Some simple ways to open the discussion:
– “Hey did I ever tell you about the time we met your dad? You were 2 years old when we he came into our lives. Your father wasn’t well, but I’m so happy we have your dad!”
(because blood relation doesn’t make someone your parent.)
– “Did you know you have a Father out there somewhere? We should pray for him tonight.”
– “It’s so funny how you and your dad have the same personalities, but you carry so many of your fathers facial features!”
Open the door for them to ask questions. Plant the seed. Do that several times if you can, just until it clicks. Then it’s out there!
Another tiny nugget of advice I might add is try to keep away from any reasons that make your child feel like they weren’t chosen or were abandoned by their biological parent (even if that’s reality).
Good choice of words would be “your father isn’t well” or “he is/was ill (or sick) and unable to be a father at that time.”
Those words can cover many bases; mental illness, domestic violence, substance abuse, even immaturity, etc.
That way, they won’t feel like its your fault they’re not there, or that their absent parent didn’t love them. They don’t need to feel any sort of pain. This will also help you keep the door closed to finding their absent parent. If they start asking to meet him/her, and it’s not safe or a good idea right now, then that door can stay closed because “he’s not well, but maybe someday.”
It’s just the way that it is. Life is messy. But messy doesn’t mean bad.
And always remind them that blood doesn’t make a family.
Sometimes family chooses us, or we choose our family.