Letters From Me:
To The One's Living Out This Story
I know so many of you are hopeful for things to turn out for you as good as they did for me…
I’m not going to promise you that the outcome will look the same, but I CAN promise you that YOU can turn out the same in the end.
Joy is a choice.
You can choose to be angry or sad and let those “how dare you” and “poor me” emotions RUN your life over something you cannot change, or you can choose to move forward, mend your broken relationships, and be happy that you’re actually here. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s a lot more impactful to choose joy despite the hand you’ve been dealt, than it is to sit around waiting for someone to feel sad with you.
Pick yourself up. Follow your heart. Choose Joy.
To: The Child Finding Out:
I see you.
And I feel for you.
But here’s the most important thing you need to know:
NOTHING has changed.
You are still the same person you were before.
This doesn’t change who you are.
You. Are. Still. You.
Surround yourself with people who will remind you of that.
If you’re feeling lost and confused all of a sudden, thats ok. You might be searching for some version of you that you think you need to be now… Because it FEELS like everything has changed…
But I’m here to tell you: It’s the same old you!
Next most important thing:
Your parents didn’t keep this from you to hurt you.
They didn’t DO this or make this choice to hurt you! In fact, its the opposite reason. It may take time and/or becoming a parent yourself to know just how strong one’s love for their child is, and how complicated it can be to be in a relationship & become parents.
These things are not black and white.
More likely than not, your mom or dad are hurting far more than you are from the past that brought you all to this point.
And then, for them to fear losing you too!? Their baby they so BADLY did not want to hurt with this news!?
Goodness… you can’t even begin to imagine how much they might be hurting from all of this.
Here’s the deal:
You will get through this.
Give yourself time.
I know some of you won’t understand this now, but I feel that we are the lucky ones… ❤️
To: The Mama Who’s Fearful Of Telling Her Child
There probably isn’t a whole lot that someone could say to take your fear away, but I’m hopeful that by now, if you’ve read through and followed my story, you’ve learned that your child WILL eventually come to know that you made this choice because you love them. They will learn that life throws some shit at you, and you have to make the best decision you know how with the cards you’ve been dealt.
And that you cannot judge someone’s choices unless you’ve been faced with the exact same ones yourself… which is just not possible because no persons two walks in life look the same.
I am rallying for you Mom’s.
I never skipped a beat with my mom.
We just had a period of tension, figuring out how to talk about it.
She’s always been my best friend and I can’t even imagine the pain she must have been feeling the moment she found out she was pregnant with me; the complication that immediately came over her life. Which SUCKS because it should be nothing but joy.
But she chose me.
Not to mention the guilt she felt having to choose to do what she thought was right for herself and her children… and then 21 years of living with that GUILT and SHAME inside of her from keeping that secret because WHEN IS THERE A GOOD TIME!?
There just isn’t.
End of story.
I’m not saying that what she did was right or perfect… What I’m saying is there is NO right or perfect way for anyone.
But it is right to tell them the truth.
You can do it.
Below I have attached a positive testimony from the kindest follower who reached out to me after she saw my reel on Instagram and felt inspired to tell her daughter about her father.
To: The Non-Biological Dad Who Stepped In
Hats off to you my good man! Seriously.
Most of y’all are the real MVP’s.
Here’s what I think I know you are probably worried about:
– Mom’s tell their babies the truth, but they are still mom..
– Non-present dads all of a sudden gain a child they weren’t there for…
– You were all-star dad, and now all of a sudden you’re not anymore.
Thats a lie straight from the devil himself.
You are still dad.
Blood doesn’t make a dad.
BUT that is not something that is just KNOWN by a child… That is something that is learned. Give them time and be there anyways.
I must also tell you, at the defense of your child, they don’t love you less because they know this information. There is just something that happens inside of you that is emotional and taxing on your heart.
Be patient. Toughen up your skin! Give them time to process.
You’re their hero for loving them by choice.
They will grow to know that.
To: The Biological Dad Who Is Fighting For Their Child
I think maybe the percentage of dads who fit this category are slim. But I know you’re out there! Because my dad was one of them.
Do everything you can do to get that child back in your life, of course.
I think that goes without saying but i’m gonna say it anyway. I know you love your child and they deserve to have more people who love them in their life.
Keep fighting for them if that is what’s best for them.
Idea for you:
Sit down and write them a letter right now. Write them what you’re going through, how you’re fighting, and how you are praying they find you someday if you can’t reach them right now; And that when they do, you’ll be waiting with open arms.
My advice for any parent fearful of telling their child:
*reminder: These are simply my opinions. These ideas and practices will NOT apply to everyones situation because all of our stories are unique. I also DID NOT live out these scenarios so I don’t know if they would work or be what is best. I only know my own story. But after pondering for years, I feel this could be a good way to tell your child the news.
You know your child best. Trust yourself.
I don’t feel like there is a “good” time to tell a child this sort of news. but I also don’t think it has to be bad news. I do think there is a more gentle approach to telling them though if you can help it.
And I think that approach is by normalizing these sorts of circumstances. They are MUCH more common than you think they are. This is your child’s “normal” and THAT IS OK.
They need to know it’s not BAD or WEIRD or TRAGIC. And I think you can help them realize that just by the way you introduce the subject.
If your child is young:
I want to urge you to take your own emotions out of it. It doesn’t have to be a “sit down” talk. They’ll feel that it’s a big deal if we make it one. It’s only a big deal or a big secret because you feel like it is… OR because you are probably the one who got hurt, or hurt someone, in the process. They won’t understand any of that right now.
The reason you decided to make this choice for your child was because its what you thought was best for them, or for you both. It was not to hurt them. And they WILL grow to understand that.
Some simple ways to open the discussion:
– “Hey did I ever tell you about the time we met your dad? You were 2 years old when we he came into our lives. Your father wasn’t well, but I’m so happy we have your dad!”
(because blood relation doesn’t make someone your parent.)
– “Did you know you have a Father out there somewhere? We should pray for him tonight.”
– “It’s so funny how you and your dad have the same personalities, but you carry so many of your fathers facial features!”
Open the door for them to ask questions. Plant the seed. Do that several times if you can, just until it clicks. Then it’s out there!
Another tiny nugget of advice I might add is try to keep away from any reasons that make your child feel like they weren’t chosen or were abandoned by their biological parent (even if that’s reality).
Good choice of words would be “your father isn’t well” or “he is/was ill (or sick) and unable to be a father at that time.”
Those words can cover many bases; mental illness, domestic violence, substance abuse, even immaturity, etc.
That way, they won’t feel like its your fault they’re not there, or that their absent parent didn’t love them. They don’t need to feel any sort of pain. This will also help you keep the door closed to finding their absent parent. If they start asking to meet him/her, and it’s not safe or a good idea right now, then that door can stay closed because “he’s not well, but maybe someday.”
It’s just the way that it is. Life is messy. But messy doesn’t mean bad.
And always remind them that blood doesn’t make a family.
Sometimes family chooses us, or we choose our family.
If your child is older:
Teens & Up
I don’t really know to be completely honest with you. The teenage years are already so hard as it is. I don’t know how I would have responded as a teenager… but I imagine It would not have gone well.
When you’re a teenager, you already don’t like your parents very much😅 (sorry, but its mostly true! LOL). Your feelings toward your parents are like this: “your holding me back from living my best life” and “you don’t get me” and “why do you hate me” sort of things. It’s just drama galore goin’ on in the head of a teenager LOL.
(Maybe I can only speak for myself, or just for girls HAHA 😉
Anyways, I don’t have all of the answers. and YOU know your child best. But I personally feel like the teenage years would be a rough time to find out unless you have a special angel, best friend, teenager like you all know I was 😉 (I hope you can sense my sarcasm through the screen.) 😂😇🤪
I was 21, out of the house, and had my own space to grieve and feel all the feels. Which they WILL do. Everyone needs the time and space to go through all of the feelings. If you’re diving in with your teen, or your adult kiddo, be patient with them. It will take time, but never give up on them.
An idea that might help you:
Write them letters if you can. Sometimes when we talk, it doesn’t come out right… especially when everyones emotions are high. When that happens, you can’t get it all out, and they can’t register everything you’re telling them. I may be an old soul but I love letters and/or writing to the people I love vs trying to find the right words in person.
I have no idea what I’m doing in this life… I don’t know if anything I just said is helpful for you or if it potentially made you mad…
But I have spent weeks praying for God to use my story, my heart, my voice and my platform to reach you.
I’ve asked Him to speak THROUGH me, and through the screen, to reach someone who needs to hear this.
If thats you… Thank the big guy for me. 🙌🏼